A Journey Home - Pt 1

Our church is getting ready to wrap up a 6 week spiritual growth campaign called "A Journey Home." Before we started the 6 weeks, I'll be honest... I was rather skeptical.  Why?  I don't know.  I just was.  But I know now that the skepticism wasn't of God or from God - at all.

To get why this has been such a big deal to me, my heart, and what I feel God has been tugging at my heart to do for nearly 2 years now, I need to give you a brief timeline of the last few weeks.  (This is going to take a few blog posts to accomplish.)

The first Sunday for "A Journey Home" was also the same weekend Mike and I took in our first respite care / temporary care of 2 little girls through a local non-profit ministry called Safe Families.  We wanted to work with Safe Families because we wanted to help make a difference in the lives of some kiddos.  (And honestly - to see if we were ready to have our own kiddos. To see if fostering to adopt would be an option for us someday.)  I haven't talked much about their visit due to their privacy, but also because it's taken a few weeks for me to process what that one weekend with those girls did to my heart.

The girls were 4 & 5 year old sisters whose family had fallen on some rough circumstances and for that weekend, felt they couldn't safely and adequately take care of their children, so Mike and I took them in.  We thought "hey - we've babysat our nieces, nephews and friends kiddos for a night" or "I babysat kids all through middle school / high school / college - watching a 4 & 5 year old for the weekend will be easy peasy." Let me just stop right there and laugh at myself.  If I could take back those thoughts, I would.  I type laugh today, but that weekend, I wasn't laughing; I was crying.

The first night the girls were with us, things went well.  (I was still thinking "easy peasy" at that point.) My favorite memory from the entire weekend was the first night.  The youngest sister approached Mike and I after playing with Crosley, and out of the blue asked, "When Crosley dies, will he go to Jesus?"  I was NOT expecting this little girl to know Jesus, let alone ask if my dog would go see Him someday.  So, curious me responded by asking, "Do you know who Jesus is?"  Her response brought tears to my eyes. She said "Yep" and then started singing "Jesus Loves Me."

Saturday morning was what I imagined a normal Saturday morning with two little girls in the house would be - food, cartoons, playing with the dogs, laughter, etc...  Late that morning we took them to a parade, and come to find out, it was their first time going to a parade!  The girls (with assistance from Mr. Mike) had a blast collecting all the candy in their goodie bags that was being thrown out from all of the floats.  They kept asking us, "Is this all really for me?!?!"  It was so much fun watching the excitement on their faces.

The afternoon was the first glimpse into the "real girls."  I say "real girls" because in hindsight, I've realized that the first 18 hours they were with us, they were on their best behavior and not being their normal selves.  Once they got comfortable with us, their best behavior went by the wayside.

Saturday night when we went downtown with our friends and their kiddos, even more of their normal behavior surfaced.  I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream.  Honestly - I just prayed.  That was also when I started to realize what a huge difference their family life was from how Mike and I live, from how our friends we were with are currently raising their kids.  I also realized that after we corrected their behavior, there was no "I'm sorry" but always "I love you?"  That question mark is intentional.  They wouldn't state it but ask it.  That worried me.  I was NOT saying "easy peasy" anymore.  Instead, I was getting kicked, hit, spit and yelled at.  The youngest even yelled at me "I don't love you anymore!" when I made her go to bed.  I wasn't quite sure how to respond to her.  My gut reaction was to say "Good! You shouldn't love me anyways.  You just met me!"

Sunday morning we took the girls with us to church - the first Sunday for "A Journey Home."  They'd been promoting the 6 weeks for such a long time, I didn't want to miss it.  We took the girls to their respective Sunday classrooms, and then Mike and I went to the service.  The message that Sunday was titled "The Promise of Home." And how Pastor Steve started the message that morning totally caught my attention:

"As Christians, we're children of God, and yet many of us live as if we don't even know Him.  We live, we think, we act like fatherless orphans because we never truly have embraced our heavenly Father's love on a personal level.  Unfortunately, the storms and disappointments of life, well they've made us afraid to trust; afraid to let go; afraid to risk becoming vulnerable by believing God when He simply says, "I Love you."  I know that sounds overstated.  I know that it sounds maybe even confusing because some of you may say, "Well I know God loves me" but those are words that we speak so casually these days... "I love my dog, I love hamburgers..." We say those words so easily, but when it really comes down right to it, when we talk about a relationship of love, when we talk about a parents love for a child, that's the type of love, even beyond that, that God has for us.  And I think that for some of us, that's really difficult for us to comprehend because we don't love ourselves."

When Pastor Steve said "orphans" my ears perked.  The girls were far from orphans - they have a mom and a dad, but for the weekend, they kinda were.  Really, anytime I hear "orphan" mentioned these days, my ears perk.  When Pastor Steve said that we say "I love you" so easily, I thought of the girls again.  It made me wonder if they really knew what love meant, or if for them, it was just a word to try to get out of trouble.  I love I really like it when a sermon feels like it was penned by God just for me.

As we drove home from church Sunday, we asked the girls what they learned at church.  The oldest was proud to tell us "We danced and talked about Jesus!" YES!  The rest of the afternoon we made blanket forts, played games, laughed, colored pictures, read books - you know - normal little girl stuff.  (There may have also been a standoff in the kitchen over manners...) Sunday night was more realization of what a difference a stable, healthy family can make for a child.  It also left me questioning if hosting kids was what Mike and I were supposed to do.  I had envisioned hugs, laughter, love - not getting kicked, hit, spit and yelled at.  But then I remembered the sermon.  These sisters, for all I knew, didn't have a great home life.  They really didn't know the true meaning of love. That broke my heart and also is what made me change my mind.  If, even for just the weekend, Mike and I were able to bring them into our non-violent home, give them warm food, warm beds, CLEAN clothes, toothbrushes, hugs, laughter, but most importantly, an opportunity to learn about Jesus and His unconditional love, then we did our job.

That was nearly 5 weeks ago.  I have no idea what happened to those girls after I dropped them off to their mom that Monday morning.  I think about the girls all the time.  I decided not to let that one weekend stop Mike and I from opening our home to other children in need.  After all, we all yearn to have a place to call home.  There are THOUSANDS of kids out there who wish for the promise of home.  Mike and I are just waiting for a child to journey into our home forever.

Another Whisper

It's been awhile since I last wrote.  There's been a lot going on since I last wrote.  Did I say a lot?  I mean a TON!  But no matter what is going on in our lives, God always seems to whisper, "Hey you, I'm still here."

This last week I spent at Creation North East - a very LARGE Christian Music festival in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania with 9 wonderful people - 9 of my co-workers.

Festivals are always fun and interesting and they always leave a mark on my heart.  This year, it left a different mark.  The first few days of Creation, I saw a number of people walking around in t-shirts that said "LOVE" but instead of an "O" there was an outline of Africa.  I really liked the shirts and wanted to find out more, so when I got a few minutes I ventured up to the merch barn to ask about the shirts.  They are made by an organization called Krochet Kids International.  I figured since there was a giant print of Africa on the shirt, the organization helped somewhere in Africa.  Yep.  I was right.  Uganda is somewhere in Africa.  UGANDA!  I purchased a shirt for Mike and myself.

After leaving the Krochet Kids merch table, I started walking back to my work's setup at the festival and walked past the Operation Christmas Child table so I decided to stop and chat for a second.   Since returning from the Dominican Republic with OCC last December, there's a special place in my heart for that organization.  I chatted with the OCC staff that was there and they handed me an envelope of a picture from one of their recent distributions - a photo of a little boy gripping on to his shoe box in UGANDA.  I got Godbumps.  (aka Goosebumps but God arranged.)

I couldn't wait to tell a few of my co-workers about what had happened - one of which, I've now found out, has a very similar passion for Uganda.  It was just what I needed.  I needed a few more signs from God to let me know Uganda is not out of the picture for Mike and I.

Sunday afternoon, as we were walking into the airport in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, we noticed a group of people gathered together with balloons, cameras, a lot of inter-racial families (some very ADORABLE kiddos) signs that said "welcome home," and a bunch of smiles.  I looked at one of my co-workers just as we were both thinking out loud "I wonder if they are welcoming home an adoptee?"  We walked past them, through security, and into a place to eat.  But my mind was still wondering about that group.

Just as we were sitting down to eat, I noticed two ladies and a child walk past us - the child was waving a flag from Ethiopia.  I mentioned to my co-workers that I bet that child is going to the group waiting on the other side of security, so I walked over to the window in the restaurant that overlooked security and the group waiting to see if they would greet one another.  They did.  It was beautiful.  I had tears in my eyes.  I can only imagine the tears that were in the eyes of the people in that group... the tears in the eyes of the family who just welcomed home their newest family member... the happy tears in the eyes of God.  It made me want to jump on a plane at the airport and head to Uganda.

Thank you, God, for yet another whisper from you about Uganda.

Not Now

Mike and I attended our second information meeting with an adoption agency.  We also received our second "no" on adopting from Uganda through their agency.  (Both agencies currently are operating Uganda pilot programs and are currently closed to new potential families.)  And then I read my devotion for today: "Day 23: Not Now"  The devotion started off with this:

"When God says no to a prayer, it doesn't always mean no; sometimes it means not yet.  It's the right request but the wrong time."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this phrase from various people in my life for different situations, and each time, they've proven to be correct because if we heard a "yes" instead of a "no" things would be different at this very moment.  Like I did at those times, I want to do right now.  I want to stomp my feet, cry, and scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY NOT RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!"  but instead, I'm going to take that energy and put into prayer.  There's a reason and only God knows.  Mike and I'll just have to wait until He see's fit to let us know.

Putting on Our Waders

Last Monday, my co-workers and I started a 40 Day Prayer Challenge with and for each other.  We're reading a book by one of my favorite authors, Mark Batterson, called "Draw the Circle: The 40 Day Prayer Challenge."  With each day's readings there have been little nuggets of information I highlight in the book, and think "I need to remember that." Todays reading was the exception - I highlighted it all.  And, as always with God and me, it seems like I read today's readings at just the right time.

Mike and I went to lunch with some friends of ours today, and towards the end of the lunch, I shared where we were in the process of adopting from Uganda - that we're still researching which agency we are going to use, and that we don't want to rush into this.  I feel like I've been saying "we don't want to rush into this" for awhile now.  There obviously has been NO rushing, but there's also been NO movement on our part, except for the email inquiries I've sent out to a handful of agencies.  After we returned from lunch, I read today's reading in the prayer challenge, "Day 7: Put on Waders" and as some of my co-workers like to joke around and say, "BOOM!" 

Here are some of the sections I highlighted:

"God is honored when we act as if He is going to answer our prayers! And acting as if means acting on our prayers.... Don't just pray about your dream; act on it.  Act as if God is going to deliver on His promise." 

"If we want to see God move, we need to make a move.  If it seems like God isn't moving in our lives, maybe it's because we aren't moving.  But if we make a move, God will move heaven and earth to honor our faith."

"We're so close to the dream, so close to the promise, so close to the miracle.  But we're waiting for God to part the river, while God is waiting for us to get our feet wet."

I read these few lines and immediately was taken back to our lunch conversation.  We've been praying about the adoption, and God has made it very clear that it's what He wants us to do.  He made the first move by warming our hearts to the entire idea of adopting from Uganda, but now Mike and I need to make a move - we need to put on our waders, get our feet wet, and actually start the process.

The best way to summarize my feelings this very moment, Mark Batterson said it the best "...that first step is always the hardest and longest.  It will require the most faith.  It will feel the most awkward.  But if we step out in faith, signs will follow." 

Please be praying as we take our first big step.

Let's Do This!

It's been awhile since I posted about our interest in adopting.  For quite awhile, it felt like God was constantly poking Mike and I with little messages saying, "You need to adopt from Uganda!" but then it went dry for awhile.  I don't know how to explain it where it would make sense and not make me sound crazy.  We just didn't hear anything.  And we're not going to rush into adopting a child unless we know, with full conviction, that this is what God wants us to do.

While I was in California last week for work, a few of my coworkers asked me where we were in the adoption process and I told them just that, and then didn't think anything of it. (Cue: God)

Do you remember me writing about the festival I was at last August and the lady I met from Uganda?  (You can read the post here.) The morning after my friends asked me about our adoption process and I said I really hadn't heard anything from God lately, I got a message from her - in UGANDA. I couldn't believe it.  Well, I could believe it.  It's God.   He knew I needed a reminder that, yes, He does want Mike and I adopting a child from Uganda.  Reading her message quickly brought tears to my eyes.  I emailed Mike and I told him about it, and then told my coworkers that had been asking about adoption.  One of their responses, "Don't challenge God - he'll take you up on it every time!"

But it doesn't stop there.  Apparently God was making up for lost time and felt I needed not one, but two pokes from him, which I did.  Friday night was our staff banquet. Our company has started awarding a Community Service award to a listener who has made a difference, and this year the award went to 2 sisters, ages 8 and 10, who raised $25,000 for children in UGANDA!  As soon as Uganda was mentioned, my friend who was sitting behind me (same friend who was asking about the adoption process) grabbed my shoulders and squeezed tight.  He knew God just laid another one on me.

All of this to say, as we were leaving Friday night, I looked up to the sky with my arms in the air and said, "OK God.  OK.  Let's do this."

November: A Month of Many Things

I can't believe it's November 1.  I kept looking at my calendar at work today thinking "This just can't be right, can it?" November means so many different things:  A busy month at your local dentist office (due to Halloween candy induced cavities) the start of the hectic holiday season, the month my husband refuses to shave due to "No Shave November", the month I get my first passport (more on that in another post) a month of many thanks and reflection, the month all of my co-workers and I refer to as "OCC" month (Operation Christmas Child month) and one that many of you might not be aware of - Adoption Awareness Month.

As you know, God has laid on Mike and I's hearts to adopt a child, so this month has a little more significance to us than in previous years.  We have many friends and family who have adopted or were adopted themselves, and have witnessed first hand what a beautiful thing adoption is.

During November, please remember the MILLIONS of orphans, domestically and internationally, that long for someone to call "Mom" and "Dad; someone to hold them and say "I love you"; someone to call their own.

As Mike and I lean on God, our families, and the knowledge of family and friends who have gone through the adoption process over the few years, please be in prayer with us that in God's timing, we'll be able to bring home God's precious gift - a child!

Questions

Last week when Mike and I decided that we do want to adopt a child from Uganda was one of the highest of highs I've had since the day I told Mike "I do."  I mean, we could see and feel God talking and moving in our lives.  There was NO question to either of us that God has his hand in everything.  I've never felt such a strong conviction that God was talking to me, dropping little signs here and there, just waiting for me to start piecing them together.  But tonight, I sit here wondering, is Uganda what God wants us to do, or is He just testing to see how willing Mike and I are to follow Him? 

Since we first made public our decision of Uganda, we've had a handful of people comment on the International aspect of it, saying we should adopt from here in the US.   Then, this week, I went to a movie screening with my co-worker and it was basically about stepping up and making the difference in the life of a child.  The movie was set in Nashville (my dream city) and was dealing with fatherless inner city African American kids in Nashville.  One scene in particular caught my attention: The main character was hospitalized and it was questionable as to if he was going to survive.  One of the young boys that he mentored (who was technically an orphan but being cared for by an older woman in the projects) came to visit him at the hospital, and the child looked at his mentor and asked "Will you be my Dad?"  Cue: tears! Cue: guilt trip remembering there are beautiful kids here in the US that need dads and moms too!

We did a pre-application with an adoption agency this week in order to participate in an information session they were holding tonight.  After the information session this evening, they emailed us saying we weren't approved for Uganda "right now" but instead we should consider Ethiopia or Bulgaria.   Cue: tears!  I know there are other agencies out there, and I know we are just starting this entire process, but it's still disappointing when you hear a "not right now." 

So my question tonight: is God just testing us to see if we would follow His leading of changing our hearts from domestic adoption to international (by dropping all the signs for Uganda), and then switch the plan on us once He knew we would follow Him?  Or is it the enemy trying to find any possible way to put a halt to us following God to Uganda - a country that doesn't see the same God we do?

Please don't think I'm crazy for having so many contradicting thoughts.  I re-read this and think "you JUST decided you want to adopt - slow your heart down and wait until Mike's done with school before you think about this anymore."  But I can't.  I have never felt so convicted by God on anything before.  God made it VERY clear that Mike and I are to adopt a child, and I was pretty darn sure it would be from Uganda. We need to open our home to a child that wouldn't have the opportunity to grow up in a loving, Christ centered home.  

So please pray that God continue opening the doors that He wants opened, to the places He wants us to adopt from, and when He wants us to adopt.  (My heart tells me now.  My wallet and brain tell me to wait. But it's not up to me.)

Shaken and Strangely Warmed

We've opened up our eyes and are choosing to see where God wants Mike and I to follow.  Right now, after talking and prayer, we feel that following Him means looking into adopting from Uganda.  I think I could cry just typing this.  I can't explain it... except by saying our hearts have been shaken, and yet strangely warmed at the same time.

Since our last post, we've received many calls, texts, emails, and Facebook messages, and Mike and I are asking the same thing of everyone: Please pray that God continues to open our eyes to where and when He wants us to continue following His plan for us.

Adoption is not cheap, and with Mike being in full-time nursing school until next May, we feel (although it wouldn't surprise us if God has other plans) that waiting to start the process until Mike is closer to being finished with school would be the best decision.  Typical Ugandan adoptions cost around $25,000.  But as our friends said over dinner Saturday night - people go out and get cars that cost more than that without a second thought.  Why is it so hard to do that for the life of a child?

So for now, we are praying and continue to seek God's direction.  I want to leave you with this video.  When our friends announced they were going to adopt their now son from Lithuania, Mike and I shared this video with them.  I had no idea it would be speaking to me a year later.

Choosing to SEE

I never have been a big book reader.  Every now and then, if a friend told me about a new book, I'd pick it up from the Library and try to read it, but would rarely get all the way through. I had too many TV shows to watch!  This year, I've caught the "reading" bug. (Maybe it has something to do with getting a Kindle for Christmas??) I decided if I'm going to take the time to read, I don't want to fill my mind with fictional stuff - I want to get something out from what I'm reading.  (No offense to all of my friends who love fiction.  At the right day and time, I'm sure I'll be looking for a good book to get lost in - just not right now.) 

It's amazing how each book I've read this year has contributed to me seeing some of God's big picture.  Each from different angles and perspectives, but each book has brought a piece of the puzzle to the table.  I'm starting to see what the image is, but there are still a lot of pieces missing, and I'm nearly in tears (happy / nervous / excited tears) to find out what the picture will eventually become.  Let me tell you about the books.

The first book I downloaded on my Kindle came at a recommendation of a friend, "Kisses from Katie." I knew it was about a girl from TN who went to Africa on a mission trip, ended up falling in love so much with Africa and UGANDA, and the orphaned children there, that she stayed.  What I didn't know is how much the book would grab my heart.  Katie's pure love and dedication to the children that she came across was captivating, and intriguing.  I specifically remember thinking after finishing her book, "Wow - I want to find something that would captivate me and I would completely fall in love with."

After finishing "Kisses from Katie", I downloaded "The Circle Maker" - another recommended book by a co-worker. I really had no idea what the book was about, but I figured I'd take the chance and read it.  This book grabbed me by the pants and shook me till I cried, in a good way!  I can't remember the last time I highlighted so much information in a book.  The premise of "The Circle Maker" is praying circles around your dreams.  You can't just pray once and expect God to give you the answer to your prayer. And you can't give up either.  You have to keep praying, and in God's time, if it's His will, he'll answer the prayer.  Not neccesarily how you wanted it, but God will answer it. 

Mark Batterson, the author of The Circle Maker, wowed me enough with his book, that the next book I downloaded was another book by him titled "Soul Print."  It was about figuring out who God wants you to be - what your divine destiny is.  Another thought provoking book that left me wondering, "What is my divine destiny?  Am I doing what God wants me to be doing?"

The fourth book this year was "Two Kisses for Maddy" a memoir about a father raising his daughter after the tragic death of his wife during childbirth.  While the language was a bit rough, the raw emotion that was captured in the book was unreal.  I cried and cried.  I can't even begin to think how he felt - he gained a beautiful daughter, but lost his beautiful wife.  I get choked up just thinking about that book.

While at an event for work last Thursday, I saw a book on the counter of the church bookstore that I've seen a few other places and decided to look into it.  A few friends raved about the book, and when I noticed that one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, wrote the foreword for the book, I figured I would give it a try.  The book, "Love Does" was amazing.  I couldn't put it down.  I ended up finishing it in two nights.  I highlighted many sections and quotes - all important comments or thoughts I didn't want to forget.  I think I made the comment to a co-worker that the book lit me on fire.  It was entertaining, facinating, but most importantly, shared the Gospel in such a way, anyone could relate.  Each of the chapters had me on the edge of my couch waiting to see how the author, Bob Goff, would pull his story back to God.  The illustrations he used were perfect.  But what caught me attention the most, was about the ministry Bob created "Restore International" - a ministry in UGANDA that finds ways to restore justice to children and the poor.  How Bob and his team, were able to go into places like Uganda, and give children who otherwise would have never been able to go before a court and plead their case, the oppourtunity to do so, and have justice rightfully restored to them, was a gift from God.  Really!

"Love Does" set my heart on fire so I had to find another book to read that would keep the fire going.  I was looking through the books our local library had available for the Kindle and found MaryBeth Chapman's book "Choosing To See."  I've come across this book countless times, but never had the desire to read it.  For some reason this time, I did.  I knew the book was partially about dealing with the loss of their 5 year old adopted daughter, Maria. I downloaded it and couldn't wait to get home and start reading it.

I'm not sure when Mike and I first started talking about the possibility of adopting a child one day, but it was one of those things that I remember we both feel called to do at some point.  We have numerous friends that have adopted, both domestic and international.  We both are firm believers in the Scripture where it says: "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (James 1:27 NLT)  I had always said that when it's our time, I don't want to adopt international - there are thousands upon thousands of children right here in the United States who desperately need homes.  Kids right in our own backyards.  And Mike agreed.

While reading "Choosing To See" I fell in love with the Chapmans story of how they came to adopt their 3 daughters from China, and how they started Show Hope, a ministry that works with people and organizations to bring to light the issues surrounding orphans (the need for food, shelter, care, spiritual nourishment) and their lack of a family. What I wasn't expecting while reading the book was for God to grab my attention.  Once again, here's a book talking about caring for orphaned children or those less fortuante, but there's also mention of UGANDA!  The third book this year that's mentioned Uganda.  I can't help but ask, "God, what do you want me to see?"

Does God want Mike and I to see that He's opening doors and wants us to adopt an orphan from Uganda and not the United States?  (Honestly, Mike and I always said the US because there are kids here, but it's also much lesser expensive.  I know that's no reason to stay away from international adoption, but I'm just being honest.)  Does God want Mike to pick pediatric nursing when he's done with school next May so he can help little kids?  Does God want Mike and I to get involved with a ministry to help orphans? WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO SEE, GOD????

I've been wrestling with that since I finished the book last night.  Today, I put a post on Facebook asking for reccomendations for the next book to read.  I didn't expect such a big response!  There were many, many reccomendations.  A lot were fiction but there were two that caught my eye.  One was about ADOPTION, and another talked about UGANDA!

I haven't decided which book I'm going to read next.  I've read books about orphans, books about praying for your dreams and finding out what God wants us to do with our lives, books about a father's love for his child, books about showing love to others, and books about love for a family (natural and adopted) through thick and thin.  All I know is I'm choosing to SEE what God wants Mike and I to see... and maybe that does involve adopting from Uganda one day.  Maybe involves something else.  Only God knows, and I can't wait to find out.