Questions

Last week when Mike and I decided that we do want to adopt a child from Uganda was one of the highest of highs I've had since the day I told Mike "I do."  I mean, we could see and feel God talking and moving in our lives.  There was NO question to either of us that God has his hand in everything.  I've never felt such a strong conviction that God was talking to me, dropping little signs here and there, just waiting for me to start piecing them together.  But tonight, I sit here wondering, is Uganda what God wants us to do, or is He just testing to see how willing Mike and I are to follow Him? 

Since we first made public our decision of Uganda, we've had a handful of people comment on the International aspect of it, saying we should adopt from here in the US.   Then, this week, I went to a movie screening with my co-worker and it was basically about stepping up and making the difference in the life of a child.  The movie was set in Nashville (my dream city) and was dealing with fatherless inner city African American kids in Nashville.  One scene in particular caught my attention: The main character was hospitalized and it was questionable as to if he was going to survive.  One of the young boys that he mentored (who was technically an orphan but being cared for by an older woman in the projects) came to visit him at the hospital, and the child looked at his mentor and asked "Will you be my Dad?"  Cue: tears! Cue: guilt trip remembering there are beautiful kids here in the US that need dads and moms too!

We did a pre-application with an adoption agency this week in order to participate in an information session they were holding tonight.  After the information session this evening, they emailed us saying we weren't approved for Uganda "right now" but instead we should consider Ethiopia or Bulgaria.   Cue: tears!  I know there are other agencies out there, and I know we are just starting this entire process, but it's still disappointing when you hear a "not right now." 

So my question tonight: is God just testing us to see if we would follow His leading of changing our hearts from domestic adoption to international (by dropping all the signs for Uganda), and then switch the plan on us once He knew we would follow Him?  Or is it the enemy trying to find any possible way to put a halt to us following God to Uganda - a country that doesn't see the same God we do?

Please don't think I'm crazy for having so many contradicting thoughts.  I re-read this and think "you JUST decided you want to adopt - slow your heart down and wait until Mike's done with school before you think about this anymore."  But I can't.  I have never felt so convicted by God on anything before.  God made it VERY clear that Mike and I are to adopt a child, and I was pretty darn sure it would be from Uganda. We need to open our home to a child that wouldn't have the opportunity to grow up in a loving, Christ centered home.  

So please pray that God continue opening the doors that He wants opened, to the places He wants us to adopt from, and when He wants us to adopt.  (My heart tells me now.  My wallet and brain tell me to wait. But it's not up to me.)